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Clearly, some people are single because they choose to be. They are simply not interested in being in a serious relationship at this time in their life.
8 things to know if you want to get back in the game
Others are single due to the circumstances of their lives. But the reality is that we hold more power over our romantic destiny than we often think. To a great degree, we create the world we live in, although we are rarely conscious of this process. We can, in fact, make a choice whether to see our fate through a victimized lens or choose to be goal-directed and take power over our lives. We can become aware of the myriad of ways we influence the reactions we get from others, even the negative reactions.
So, the question for the single person looking for love is: what are the internal challenges I need to face? Most people have been hurt in interpersonal relationships. With time and painful experiences, we all risk building up varying degrees of bitterness and becoming defended.
This process begins long before we start dating, in our childhoods, when hurtful interactions and dynamics lead us to put up walls or perceive the world through a filter that can negatively impact us as adults. These adaptations can cause us to become increasingly self-protective and closed off. In our adult relationships, we may resist being too vulnerable or write people off too easily.
If, for example, you were raised by parents or caretakers who were negligent or cold, you may grow up feeling distrusting of affection. You may then choose a partner who is aloof or distant.
Why am i still single? 8 reasons people often stay single
When we act on our defenses, we tend to choose less-than-ideal relationship partners. We tend to feel devastated or hurt by the repeated rejections without recognizing that we are actually seeking out this pattern. Why do we do this? The reasons are complex and often based on our own embedded fears of intimacy. Many people have an unconscious motivation to seek out relationships that reinforce critical thoughts they have long had toward themselves and replay negative aspects of their childhoods.
These may be unpleasant, but breaking with old patterns can cause us a great deal of anxiety and discomfort and make us feel strangely alien and alone in a more loving environment. In this Webinar: Being single can be circumstantial. The reality is that most people can only tolerate a certain amount of closeness. We are defended about letting someone else in. Our own defenses often leave us feeling pickier and more judgmental. When viewing the world from critical or distrusting eyes, we tend to write off a range of potential partners before even giving them a chance.
A friend of mine felt closed off to a man who pursued her for more than a year. The men she was drawn to instead tended to be unreliable and emotionally distant. What she found, to her surprise, was a high-level relationship choice, a partner with whom she shared a great deal of mutual interest, and, ultimately, genuine love.
We may actually find ourselves in a relationship that is so much more rewarding than those we have experienced. They believe they want a fulfilling relationship more than anything, but they believe even more firmly that no one worthwhile would be interested in them. Our lack of confidence leaves us giving off als of not being open, creating a catch 22 in the realm of dating.
Some struggle to make eye contact or are reluctant to scan the room for who they might be attracted to. When they are drawn to someone, they may fail to pursue their strongest attractions for lack of self-esteem.
You don’t respect yourself
A lack of self-esteem often le to fears of competing. We may be afraid of looking like a fool or of not being chosen. The simple truth is: dating is competitive. It is scary to take a chance and go for what we want and compete, but when we do, we most often find it is well worth it to face our fears. We end up with a stronger sense of self, and we increase our chances of creating a relationship with the partner we really desire. With age, people tend to retreat further and further into their comfort zones.
Modern women are more and more successful, accomplished and self-sufficient, which are all extremely positive developments.
Yet as both men and women get more comfortable, be it financially or practically, it is also easier for them to form a bubble from which it is difficult to emerge. It can feel harder to take risks or put themselves out there.
2. “i'm just not settling.”
The encouragement we feel to stay home or stay safe often comes from our critical inner voice. Have a glass of wine. Watch that show you like. No one will be attracted to you. We should take action and make an effort to get out into the world, smile, make eye contact and let friends know we are looking for someone. We should try new activities and even try dating diverse people as a means to discover new parts of ourselves and what makes us happy. As years pass, we often develop rulebooks for ourselves regarding dating. When we act on rules based on our past, we can create a perpetual cycle of disappointing relationships.
A woman I know once dated someone with whom she had amazing chemistry. Staying open is one of the most important things we can do when looking for a loving partner. Yes, we might get hurt but when we stop taking risks, we reduce our chances of meeting someone we could really have a future with. Relationship rules tend to go hand-in-hand with game-playing. They can lead us to act with less sincerity and authenticity, to close ourselves off from how we feel.
On the other hand, staying open and honest will lead us to find a much more authentic and substantial relationship. We all carry flaws, and these vulnerabilities are especially apparent when getting close to one another. Thus, achieving intimacy is a brave battle, but it is one well-worth fighting for, each and every day, both within ourselves and, ultimately, within our relationships. Well we cannot force it, can we?!
I guess we should have to believe in that. It feels lonely being alone sometimes, but hey cheer up!! Probably there is a good reason. I guess!! Cheer up! Love is not an emotion.
1. “i'm focusing on my career.”
It is something we do. Not something we feel. If you want to find love, find someone who is willing to make an effort at a relationship. Not just being in one, and waiting for some magical feeling to make it perfect. After that wears off, all you have left is communication and effort. Where there is no communication or effort, there is no love. People are too driven by movie love story and assume that BS is going to really happen in reality.
Love is work. Constant effort. By both people involved.
We are animals, able to roam free when we can not be honed down one individual for the rest of our lives. Just wake up! I Agree. Why put yourself through that? I always think. YEStotally agree Rogerat 59 still single but found better not happier to be alone than being in a few in a few bad relationships I had. I was thinking like a little girl for a very long time. Was very uncomfortable to get close to any man…. I have really not had much luck dating.
I am a single mum and been single since my pregnancy. Been single for 3years and taking time to focus on my life career etc.
But it is so so hard at times. But not impossible. Hmmm, Well i am older a just got out an 3 yr relationship that just ended beginning this year an totally the best decision I ever made. Working on myself so when the right one comes can see the real truth which is me inside an out.
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I ended a seven year relationship a couple of months ago, so I kinda get it. This thing is not easy. I just have to trust the process.